Wishful Shrinking

So I found myself laying in bed this morning having a think and talking to myself, an activity I frequently partake in. I also talk to inanimate objects and the cat. I like to think of myself as mildly eccentric. "Insane" is such a negative word, don't'cha think?

Anyway, "Self," I says, "do we really think we're doing everything we can to lose weight?"

"Of course we are, " I reply, "we're watching what we eat and getting some exercise." Self looks kinda smug at this point, not seeing where this conversation is going yet.

"But, Self, are we really doing everything we CAN to lose it?" Self is starting to look a bit worried and mutters something under my breath here but doesn't reply. "Seriously, Self, how badly do we want to dump the weight?"

Oooh, Self is starting to sound a bit defensive here: "Very badly! You know we do, dammit!"

"Well then, Self, we know we're not doing everything, don't we?"

"Well yeah, we are! We're watching what we eat and getting some exercise, aren't we?"

"Sure, sure." A soothing tone, calming my prey before leaping for the throat. "We feel like we're working hard at it, Self. We know. But let's be honest with each other for a moment, can we? We're not doing everything we could be doing, are we? There's a lot we could be doing that we're not, isn't there?"

"Whaddya mean?!"

"Well, Self-my-dear, let's start with water."

Self exclaims, "But we're drinking water!"

"Yes, yes, we are. But enough water? No, I don't think so. Most days, sure, we're drinking 3 liters or more. Days that we're at work. But we're letting life and laziness get in the way, aren't we? C'mon now and think: How much water did we have yesterday? One glass? Is that really the best we can do?"

A long sigh from Self, "No, I suppose not."

"And what about exercise, Self?"

"But ... but ... ", came Self's sputtering reply, "but we DID exercise all weekend! We're still sore from that!"

"Oh really. Indeed we did get a lot of exercise over last weekend and yes, we're still a bit sore, but does that mean we get a free pass from exercising all week? It's Friday, FFS, Self. We've done nothing all week! Are we seriously using a bit of soreness as an excuse to not exercise at all?"

"Okay, yeah, I suppose it's an excuse."

"Yeah, we know it is. Anyway, what about the food? And shush, we both know what we're about to say there! No, we haven't been as good as we could be. What about the Thai restaurant on Tuesday where we wolfed down Pad Thai and chocolate/chocolate/chocolate cake? Or the other Thai restaurant on Thursday when we sucked down two big plates of food like we were fresh from Ethiopia?"

Self looks down and sighs but doesn't say a word.

"Now look, Self, we both know we want to shed this fat suit but neither of us are really doing everything we could be to make that happen. Time to suck it up, buttercup, and get on with what we both know we need to be getting on with, innit? We CAN do this, we ARE doing it, we just need to keep our collective eyes on the road in front of us and get it done."

"Oh, stop sniveling, Self. It's not a big deal. We're not a great big fat failure, honest, we just need to keep evaluating and re-evaluating what we're doing to make sure we're doing what we can. Here, have a pork rind."

*sounds of contented munching*