Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Scale, Energy, Mood - All Up

Ye gods, what gives here? The scale's still five pounds up (water water water) but my energy level was higher yesterday, all day, than I've seen it in a very long time and my mood stayed up and positive despite some altercations at work. Odd. But kinda fun, too. Not worrying about what the scale's doing at the moment, really. Just enjoying the extra energy.

Really don't know what my body was doing - I know I didn't have that much caffeine, but even when my brain was exhausted last night I couldn't shut my body down. Ended up tossing and turning in bed for an hour, my muscles just so tight they were singing, almost painfully so, and finally got up and took an extra sleeping pill.


I'm getting way more assertive at work (and a chorus from most of my team of ABOUT FREAKIN' TIME). I've never been a terribly assertive person anyway, one of those pathetic people who just wants everyone to be happy and get along, you know what I mean? Ten years of my ex pretty much knocked any latent assertiveness out of me, to the point of not just avoiding pushing back at people but actually unable to stand up for myself.

Now I'm working in a space where, if I want to survive, I absolutely have to. The only other option is to go find another job, and I'd rather not. I've worked with most of this team for over a decade. They're my family. They're not just coworkers: They really ARE my family. These are the people who stood by me, held on and refused to let go, wrapped their hearts around me, when the ex was trying to destroy me. These are the people who took care of me and kept me sane last year when I had an appendectomy that went horribly wrong. We've worked, played, laughed, and cried with each other for more than 10 years. I don't wanna leave 'em.

For three years now we've had to deal with a few other people, one new team member and two others in actual positions of authority over us, that have difficulty with that whole "grown-ups" thing. We're trying to stick together, keep each other standing, and get our jobs done in the face of people who think that shouting is a management skill and have no clue what it is we actually do.

On the one hand, for me it's good practice. This has forced me to sprout a backbone and push back in order to get my job done and protect others on the team (as well as myself). On the other hand, I hate what it's done to me. I don't shout at people. I don't lose my temper at work.

Yeah, I guess I do now.

Anyway, just rambling here. Trying to work out what was going on in my brain yesterday.

I did raise my voice to team-mate in a meeting ... the queen of fallacious arguments that she uses to steam-roll everyone else trotted out the whole "well, obviously NOBODY'S going to listen to ME so obviously you all think I'm STUPID so I'll just shut up and you guys can do whatever YOU like."

We're all just blinking at her, having spent the last ten minutes trying to address her concerns, and I snapped back "Whoa, sunshine ... how in THEE HELL did you get THAT out of this conversation?! You're the one not listening to US here TRYING to understand and address your points! Now KNOCK THAT OFF and work WITH us, dammit! (The rest of the team nods firmly.)

She did settle down after that and we had a productive meeting. Whew!

The thing that strikes me odd about all this is ... normally that would have left me shaking and off-center for the rest of the day, but yesterday ... not so much. Blew it off and kept going, kept smiling, was actually in a pretty good mood the rest of the day. Strange.

But it occurs to me ... maybe that's what was going on in my hyper-active muscles last night? Left-over tension I didn't recognize? Hmmm ...

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