Thursday, September 30, 2010

... the Sounds of Silence ...

Sorry I haven't updated all week. Haven't had the mental energy to do much more than read a handful of blogs while I swig my morning cuppa before falling over into the shower and heading for the office. Hopefully the dust'll settle soon at work and I can get back on a normal schedule again. Still plugging away at the diet, despite the extreme stress and ridiculous hours, and the scale's still creeping down an ounce at a time.

Pffft, at this point as long as it's not going up I'm good with it.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

One day more ...

One day to a new beginning
Raise the flag of freedom high.
Every man will be a king.
Every man will be a king.
There's a new world for the winning.
There's a new world to be won.

One good day.
One more day.
One day more!

(Paraphrased from Les Miserables - One Day More)

Yeah. One good day. One more good day. Yesterday was a good day (despite gulping wayyyy too much coffee). Today will be a good day because I came home last night and roasted a turkey. No excuses to get junk when I have a fridge full of  a huge, yummy, tasty turkey!

Ended up leaving work an hour early yesterday 'cause I was so tired I was literally stuttering and staggering. Had gone in early yesterday morning in hopes of getting some work done before drama interruptus. It was a great fantasy. In the end I think I got in an hour (maybe!) of useful work between eruptions of chaos and (ugh) unnecessary meetings.

Planning to work all weekend, but at least I'll get some work done. I absolutely have to finish a set of software documentation this weekend. I know part of the team is planning to show up today, but hopefully not until I have one of the docs done at least, and tomorrow I'll be the only one there. Yeah, I've got a big cheezy grin goin' on here at THAT thought!

The new scale arrived earlier this week and it's lovely. Especially since it's showing me a pound down since Tuesday!

Friday, September 24, 2010

True Confessions

My mom had a huge stack of those old True Confessions magazines hidden away in the basement when I was a kid. Of course, being a kid, they didn't stay hidden for long (yeah, I was a nosy brat) and I'd sneak down there and read 'em ... and giggle at the silly women between those pages, "Married to a Liar, Deathbed Revelation!", "I Had My Baby in an Abandoned Coal Mine!" (Yeah, I was a freaky kid, too.)

Of course, stacked up against that example, my own True Confessions are really kinda boring: "I Haven't Been Exercising!" "I'm Eating Too Many Calories!" 

The stress at work is just strangling my interest in anything else, dragging my energy down to the point where all I'm doing right now is get up, stare at the computer and drink coffee, shower, go to work, work, come home, stare at the computer and drool on myself, eat supper, try to sleep. I'm sticking more or less to the low-carb thing but wayyyy too many calories, not sleeping enough, and not getting any exercise or drinking anything like enough water. Funnily enough, my weight hasn't budged in two weeks.

I know it's just a pile of excuses. I know that. But they're bloody easy to make right now. I keep telling myself that the fiscal year will be over in a couple of weeks and we'll all be able to breathe. The level of drama will die down. I can get back to working normal hours. I keep telling myself that I'll get back with the program when that happens.

Yeah, I know I'm being silly. I know that.

Okay, today ... just today ... I'll eat properly, I'll drink 3 liters of water, and I'll hop on the bike when I get home, even if it's just for a few minutes. I promise.

I promise myself.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Still alive and kickin'

Much drama at work, long hours trying to survive the end of the fiscal year with my insanity intact here, very little mental or emotional energy for anything else.

Scale is broken (when it insists on measuring a range of up to 8 pounds within 15 minutes, that qualifies as "broken"), new scale will arrive tomorrow afternoon, so in the meantime I have no idea what my weight is doing. Clothing says I'm losing inches, at least, and still staying on track (mostly).

New doctor wanted me to try Ambien for sleep. Tried it last week. Didn't sleep. DID have massive, almost uncontrollable cravings, to the point that I found myself sitting at my computer Friday night with the Pizza Hut site open, literally arguing with myself. A slice of pizza or two probably wouldn't have been that bad, but I know myself ... it would have been a whole pizza and an order of breaded parmesan wings and I'd have gorged myself all weekend on that. Finally grabbed my car keys and ran to McD's as a compromise: At least it was a controlled cheat ... a burger and small fry and off to bed. Seemed to do the trick and kill the craving.

Anyway, that's really all that's going on over here right now ... work, sleep, drink coffee, boil eggs, cuss at the cat  ... lather, rinse, repeat ... planning to take a couple of days off in early October and catch my breath (and clean my damn house).

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Scale, Energy, Mood - All Up

Ye gods, what gives here? The scale's still five pounds up (water water water) but my energy level was higher yesterday, all day, than I've seen it in a very long time and my mood stayed up and positive despite some altercations at work. Odd. But kinda fun, too. Not worrying about what the scale's doing at the moment, really. Just enjoying the extra energy.

Really don't know what my body was doing - I know I didn't have that much caffeine, but even when my brain was exhausted last night I couldn't shut my body down. Ended up tossing and turning in bed for an hour, my muscles just so tight they were singing, almost painfully so, and finally got up and took an extra sleeping pill.


I'm getting way more assertive at work (and a chorus from most of my team of ABOUT FREAKIN' TIME). I've never been a terribly assertive person anyway, one of those pathetic people who just wants everyone to be happy and get along, you know what I mean? Ten years of my ex pretty much knocked any latent assertiveness out of me, to the point of not just avoiding pushing back at people but actually unable to stand up for myself.

Now I'm working in a space where, if I want to survive, I absolutely have to. The only other option is to go find another job, and I'd rather not. I've worked with most of this team for over a decade. They're my family. They're not just coworkers: They really ARE my family. These are the people who stood by me, held on and refused to let go, wrapped their hearts around me, when the ex was trying to destroy me. These are the people who took care of me and kept me sane last year when I had an appendectomy that went horribly wrong. We've worked, played, laughed, and cried with each other for more than 10 years. I don't wanna leave 'em.

For three years now we've had to deal with a few other people, one new team member and two others in actual positions of authority over us, that have difficulty with that whole "grown-ups" thing. We're trying to stick together, keep each other standing, and get our jobs done in the face of people who think that shouting is a management skill and have no clue what it is we actually do.

On the one hand, for me it's good practice. This has forced me to sprout a backbone and push back in order to get my job done and protect others on the team (as well as myself). On the other hand, I hate what it's done to me. I don't shout at people. I don't lose my temper at work.

Yeah, I guess I do now.

Anyway, just rambling here. Trying to work out what was going on in my brain yesterday.

I did raise my voice to team-mate in a meeting ... the queen of fallacious arguments that she uses to steam-roll everyone else trotted out the whole "well, obviously NOBODY'S going to listen to ME so obviously you all think I'm STUPID so I'll just shut up and you guys can do whatever YOU like."

We're all just blinking at her, having spent the last ten minutes trying to address her concerns, and I snapped back "Whoa, sunshine ... how in THEE HELL did you get THAT out of this conversation?! You're the one not listening to US here TRYING to understand and address your points! Now KNOCK THAT OFF and work WITH us, dammit! (The rest of the team nods firmly.)

She did settle down after that and we had a productive meeting. Whew!

The thing that strikes me odd about all this is ... normally that would have left me shaking and off-center for the rest of the day, but yesterday ... not so much. Blew it off and kept going, kept smiling, was actually in a pretty good mood the rest of the day. Strange.

But it occurs to me ... maybe that's what was going on in my hyper-active muscles last night? Left-over tension I didn't recognize? Hmmm ...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Coffee and Pork Rinds

Okay, did I eat a naughty and way too big lunch on Friday? Yes, yes I did.

Did I drink enough water over the weekend? No, have to admit I didn't.

Have I been munching on pork rinds since Friday?  Yes, indeed I have. Deep-fried salt, yeppers.

Have I spent the time on the spinner I should have since Friday? Well, no.

Did I have another naughty lunch yesterday? Yeah, if I'm honest.

Have I been basically inhaling sodium and not washing it out? Yeppers.

Gosh, why's that scale up 5 freakin' pounds this morning from Saturday? Hmmm, no clue. *wry grin*

I'm finding work to be a bit of a challenge, honestly (like that's uncommon). "Hey Kestrel, let's go get some coffee! Let's go get some lunch! Look, I brought you fancy chocolates from Texas!" (That was yesterday, and they're still sitting on my desk. Think I'll quietly give them away when nobody's looking.)

I start out with good intentions and enough food to carry me through the day (well, except for Friday, that was planned and I don't feel too terribly guilty about it), but the coffee especially kills me 'cause I can't just drink black coffee, noooooo, it has to have stuff in it. *inner child stamps foot and nods firmly*

I did find out yesterday that Starbucks keeps heavy whipping cream behind the counter and they're happy to drop a splash into my unsweetened iced coffee, yay! That'll help a LOT with keeping the carbs down and still being able to gulp coffee. Having said that, I really need to get a good travel mug and start taking my own to work with me.

NOT having coffee is really not an option right now. Yeah, I probably could stop drinking coffee, but honestly ... not gonna. This is fiscal year end, I'm working upwards of 12 hours a day plus several hours on weekends. Got two software projects that have to be in production by the 30th and they're not even in testing yet. Dodging political bullets and people who think that shouting and temper tantrums are appropriate communication skills (I find that sort of behavior absolutely appalling, personally, being naturally a pretty quiet and mild sort of personality).

Feeling like coffee is pretty essential for more than one reason, honestly: The caffeine boost is good, but also the sitting back, taking a sip, and letting the brain just be quiet for just a moment.

The pork rinds, however, have got to go.


And a huge THANK YOU to Jack Sh*t for the comment you left me yesterday. I was feeling rather worn and discouraged when I sat down and saw that ... almost cried ... it was exactly what I needed to hear last night.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

You Have Such a Pretty Face

Yes, the one phrase I hated the most as a kid. "You have such a pretty face."  Always followed by, "You should lose weight so people can see it!"  What does that even mean to a kid, eh? My mental translation was you'd be pretty if you weren't so fat and I'd wonder how they could tell it was pretty if I was so fat that they couldn't see my pretty face ... meh, kid logic.

Have I got a pretty face? Dunno, really. I've never really seen it. Yep, always been fat. Fat baby, fat teenager, fat old lady. Thinking it's time to find out.

Ooooh, a bit emo today, me. Time to get that back under the hat!

Little triumphs: 20 pounds down today, and I have to dig out my smaller (heh) cycling shorts 'cause the ones I've been using are creeping up into places they ought not!  Also, was able to move around a bit more on the bike today ... even let go of the handlebars and sit up to pedal for a bit!  20 minutes felt easy - will add another 5 on the next round.

Sorry I've been so quiet all weekend ... haven't slept worth a damn the last several nights and had to go in to the office yesterday and today. I'm still here, still plugging away, still peeling off an ounce at a time.