Excuses

My favorite excuse to over-eat on crappy food has always, as long as I can remember, been not getting enough sleep and having to function the next day. Add one more little factoid - I've been an insomniac since I was a kid.  This excuse is deeply rooted in my childhood.

As an adult my pattern has been: Swing through McD's drive-through on the way to work for a couple of breakfast sandwiches (I need the protein and carbs) and a quick stop at Starbucks for a vente macchiato or frappuccino (I need the sugar and caffeine).  Back to Starbucks a few hours later for another (oh man, I really need the sugar and caffeine for this meeting) and maybe another trip through McD's for more food (this'll help me stay awake). Toss in a run to 7-11 for some chocolate in the afternoon (just gotta make it two more hours and I can go home and crash).

Anyone else see a problem here? More than one problem, maybe? Yeah, not just the empty calories but serious self-inflicted carb/sugar crashes all day. Nasty little vicious circle here.

What prompted this post was waking up at midnight to the tune of my beloved resident feline heaving her little guts out on my bed. Loudly. She's always hated throwing up (can't blame her there) and adds plenty of sound effects before and during to demonstrate that. Hell, she cries like a baby at the top of her lungs. You'd think she was dying right then and there. Nahhh, she's just tossing a hairball. Ugh.

Needless to say I was wide awake. Tried to get some more sleep and did drift in and out a little, but once I'm awake that's usually pretty much it for my ability to sleep that night.

Funny thing is I'm not feeling a whole lot of urge to break my diet. Maybe grab an extra chicken thigh to take to work with me in case I get extra-hungry, but the thought of McD's doesn't even appeal right now. Yeah, I'll probably run by Starbucks but I'm learning to really like their iced coffee with a pump of sugar-free syrup and a splash of half-and-half.

Oh, follow-up on the office mate and her bloody protein shakes: She tried to hand me one yesterday morning again, so I gently explained that I really appreciate the thought but each time I've had one there's something in it that really spikes my cravings for sugar and carbs so I really don't dare drink it. Gods, but my inner child was drooling and whimpering, but I held strong. Yay me! *back-pat*

Sabotage, Self and Otherwise

I'm perfectly capable of sabotaging myself on a daily basis when I'm trying to lose weight. My inner child whimpers "oh, just a little bit won't hurt" and sometimes I listen. It would help greatly if the people around me weren't also trying to help that self-sabotage along.

So my office mate brings me a "low carb" shake yesterday morning again. I should've said no, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings (read: but it looked and tasted so good), so I drank it. I did sit with her and have her pull up all of the ingredients and had a little chat with her about a) how to calculate net carbs (yes, you DO have to count up everything you put in, not just the protein powder) and serving size (exactly how much of that powder did you use, hon, seriously).

I was trying not to make her feel bad, but as a result I spiked myself yesterday. Badly. That shake was easily half my daily allowance of carbs. And between that and the fact that it was a long and stressful day -- food cravings, big time. Pretty much stuck to legal foods after that, but way more of 'em than I really needed. Seriously.

Had to giggle in an ironic sorta way later in the day when she had just chowed down on a burger, fries, M&Ms, and a giganto coke and then she started going on about how she's not gonna handle it well having to watch other people eat when she's on a liquid diet for the lap-band. It's obvious to us all that she's gonna play the control game, or try to, of "you can't eat that here." Nope, sorry girl. We're all practicing saying "You're on YOUR diet."

And I'm practicing NOT saying, "I'm having just as much respect for your diet as you've always shown for mine, darlin'."

I do worry about her, and I'm not the only one. She seems to think that this lap-band is the easy path, something that will make her magically thin and fit. She doesn't seem to get that it's still hard work. Seriously hard work. I've watched another friend who went through it. How hard he worked even before the surgery, how hard he's had to fight not to sabotage himself after, and how much pain he still experiences from it even a year later.

He's done jaw-droppingly well, lost over 150 pounds so far (50 of that pre-surgery!), but he works at it constantly, fighting to keep both carbs and calories low every day. In the meantime, she's actually gaining weight in the run-up to hers (she's scheduled for the end of this month, less than two weeks away).

I want her to succeed. Very much so. I'm pulling for her and will support her in any way I can. I know what it's like to be so fat that you're desperate to get it off. She's really not that much bigger'n me. I just ... worry that she's not being honest with herself or realistic about what is involved. She's not gonna be able to keep pouring giganto cokes and mochas down her throat and actually lose that weight.

In the end, no matter how we go about it ... it's hard work. We have to be willing to be uncomfortable for a long while and do the things we don't want to do, despite our inner child throwing a tantrum. (Yes, I'm talking to myself here.) If I'm not able to do that, I'm not gonna be able to do what I need to do, so sometimes I just have to send my inner child to its metaphoric room for a time-out.

And I have to learn to slap a hand over inner-child's mouth and speak up for myself.

Hey, despite having a terribad day food wise, I did get a couple of short walks in, I did drink lots and lots of water, and I'm down another half-pound on the scale this morning!

Fear of Scaling

My best friend is nagging my to get my fat butt onto the scale. My best friend, who's lost around 150 pounds (!) with a combination of low-carb and lap-band. All I can think is "ugh" but I'm beginning to think he's right. I actually dreamed about it last night.

Another friend is getting ready to do lap-band surgery. I'm quite worried about her, as is my best friend. Her doctor has been trying to get her to lose weight in prep for it and wants her low-carbing both before and after the procedure, but she hasn't even been trying. She appears to think that the lap-band is a magic wand that will make her weight just disappear. Don't we all wish? I do know people who've had the surgery, lost a large amount of weight initially, but then put it back on because they didn't actually change any habits after. They kept forcing the same old foods and drinks down their throats (and you can consume a hell of a lot of liquid calories through that tiny little lap-band hole), didn't get up and move, and wondered why it didn't work for 'em.

She also seems pretty deep in denial about what a carb is. And determined to spike my efforts as well.

Day before yesterday she called me from Starbucks and asked if I wanted a coffee. I said sure, that'd be wonderful, grab me an iced coffee with a splash of half-and-half. She brought it by my office, I took a drink ... it had been sweetened. Bleah. Gave it to co-worker who's NOT dieting.

Yesterday she brings me a cup of this concoction she's made, something with protein powder, ice and dairy ... announces proudly that it's only two net carbs. Great! I take a drink, it's not bad, then she proceeds to tell me that she made it with whole milk.

Umm. Yeah. 11 net carbs in a cup of milk. I didn't have the heart. I just quietly dropped it into the garbage when she wasn't looking and covered it with some other trash.

Anyway, way off topic there. I need to suck it up and get on that scale. Terrified of it, honestly. My own brand of denial: I don't WANT to know how much I weigh right now!

But not today. Today's my birthday. Lemme enjoy one more day of denial, thanksmuch.